Blank Space

That awkward blank space sits and taunts me. It's not the cute and flirty blank space T-Swift was referring to either! This one is MY blank space...the one that looks into the deepest and darkest pit of my soul as I look at this bright white (borderline blinding) screen before I type letter after letter to finally fill this first blog post. Just before i'm about to make any physical progress it arrogantly interrupts my thought process and says, "so you've decided to blog have you? You think that makes you a blogger? Does Amie Mariana actually have interesting stories to share with the world? Naaaaa, didn't think so," it warns as it sits and laughs at me. "Are you sure you want the world to know all this stuff about you? About your failures, your challenges, your struggles, your bad grammar & punctuation, and oh... what about your depression. What if they find out? Then what will they think? What if they don't like you? What if they judge you? What if they want you to fail? What if they just read this blog religiously with the hopes that you'll never amount to anything and all of your dreams and desires to do good, be good, and bring good will be absolutely worthless? Remember, once it's out there, you can never take it back." That's super motivational isn't it? That blank space as mean as it sounds could very well just be my mind alongside those inner demons nagging at me to keep things quiet and all to myself.  Don't be vulnerable, don't be raw, and never be real. Stick with whatever projected image you've created of yourself and just run with it. So being honest, and being truthful from day one, I have to admit that I Amie Mariana have the hugest fear of failure. I think you could go as far to say that I have a crippling fear of failure. Maybe it's an adopted kid thing, maybe it's a youngest child thing, or maybe it's just a "me" thing. Who really knows? Whatever the case may be, i've always seen myself as an underdog, a sloppy perfectionist (oxymoron), with the urge to make something of this incredible life i've been given.  I always feel like introductions (no matter where they are or who they're with) are meant to sell yourself to someone, to intrigue them just enough in order for them to actually like you or want to be around you. Introductions are those never ending blind date moments. Thankfully I only went on one of those...and then I married the guy! 

I guess i'm writing this blog for me, for you, for my family, my husband, and anyone in between. I’m mostly writing simply because i’ve always loved writing and it’s actually my writing (as good or bad as you may come to think it is) that has taken me successfully through a good portion of my young life. In 8th grade I wrote essays about abortion, in high school I wrote essays about sexual harassment, disability, human rights, and anything to push the envelope and let my opinions be both seen and heard.  When I think back to my university days, without essay writing and class presentations I know hands down that I never would have made it through two degrees without my skills in verbal diarrhea. I couldn't pass a multiple choice test to save my life! As a conceptual and theoretical learner, I must confess that I really only learn with the intention to push as many boundaries and limits as I possibly can. Some might call me a little smart-ass but I just think i’m stubbornly motivated, foolishly passionate, and fully equipped with a child-like faith that tells me I can always change the world. I come from humble beginnings (I guess dire poverty qualifies as humble beginnings) adopted into a life of hope, opportunity, and love and am beyond mind blown that I have the absolute honour of living my passion while making all my wildest dreams come true. In my travels and speaking engagements related to NationWares & Nómada Design, I always get asked about what inspires me, what discourages me, what obstacles I face, how I created a social enterprise, why I created a social enterprise, what’s it like to be adopted, why do I help people with disabilities, why do I work in mental health, what’s my favourite charity, why don't I take a salary from my job, or really...why do I do anything that I do? This blog will hopefully help you peek into my life and most importantly... into my heart. I'm not trying to impress you or get you to date me, in fact it's probably the exact opposite. My intent with this blog and the upcoming posts is to probably end up sharing things that will make me look less attractive, less brave, and less courageous than i've ever appeared. This blog is a place where I want to fall down, get back up, share, start again, and learn with you along the way. Feel free to join in on the journey and comment along the way.

  After all, isn’t life meant to be shared?